Unlikely (but not impossible) reasons so ridiculous they’ll probably just ask you to work from home.
1. Be an Office Kitchen Liability
“Oops I cut my finger on a bagel.”
Who cuts their finger on a bagel? I do. The edges of my butter knife are ludicrously sharp. That or I was distracted, erotically charged by the fantasy of this doughy texture making its way into my mouth. I sliced off a very tiny (almost microscopic) piece of my thumb. It hurt like hell.
I’m actually shocked I haven’t had a bagel incident before. Because, I’ve eaten well over a million bagels by the ripe age of (insert whatever age you think I am here). A self proclaimed bagel connoisseur, I literally listed bagels as my only hobby on Hinge. If a potential suitor calls bagels “bread” they get blocked. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I’m getting sidetracked… Listen, any breakfast/breakroom food related accident (involving real or fake blood) will suffice. You just need copious amounts of photos documenting the wound. Doctor’s note not necessary. Close ups are gold.
2. Have Mental Health Issues
Make your employer think this year of isolation has left you too socially inept to actually be around people. They don’t want an HR nightmare.
Disclose that you have “undiagnosed” separation anxiety from your dog that might or might not affect your work performance.
This is actually a real thing. I recently found (to my horror) my dog snoozing on the nanny cam’s I set up to watch her while I’m gone. It was the dreamless slumber of a canine unbothered.
During dates, I’ve checked those damn nanny cams every fifteen minutes for just a hint of her missing me… Is one whine or whimper too hard to ask? My vet recently diagnosed me with separation anxiety. I asked if he could prescribe me medication for that and he referred me to his shrink. At least now I have a real reason to call her my service dog. (I mean she’s the cause of my anxiety, but she still cures it.) One of my dates actually said: “Man you’d be a nightmare to date, having to check on your dog every five minutes.” Me: “Every fifteen minutes.” Him: “Check please.” Who doesn’t like dogs?
3. Develop Serious Bowel Issues
Now, this is going to take some commitment. First, you need get on a laxative regime. (I think Ducolax is keto friendly.) Then, prove to your boss that you’ve been working from your golden thrown.
See, it’s a win win: they either let you live out your days in peace at home with whatever chronic IBS you’ve developed; or, they actually give you a private bathroom to conduct your business.
You’re going to need a reason, though. So, just use mine: the stress of the pandemic has given you chronic diarrhea, which dehydrates you… So, you’ve started drinking liters of water each day (to make up for the fluid loss) and are just running to the bathroom constantly.
Listen, before you laugh, my skin actually looks fantastic and my doctor said I’m “over hydrated,” which I think is a good thing… like getting an A++ in Geometry. Instead of choosing to see my glass half full, I just over fill it. Maybe that’s a really deep metaphor. You’re welcome for that as well.
Oh and a little over hydration tip, it helps to buy one of those corny Nalgene bottles: “Wow, you’re hydrated.”
4. Bread (NOT bagels)
Explain that the bread you started baking in May has only just started fermenting and you need to monitor its progress.
The more ridiculous it sounds, the less likely they are to question it. I mean what do they say to that other than, “Are you okay?”
No one’s supposed to ask how the magic is made… Say you don’t mind coming in, but you do need to bring your full set up and hopefully be reimbursed for having to buy a portable oven.
Okay, real talk, although a brilliant idea (thank you, you’re welcome), I did make that one up. Do I look like the type of person who bakes? I burnt myself on eggs this morning that exploded in my microwave. (Read that sentence again.)
5. Push for Equal Rights
“I shouldn’t have to go back to work until my neighbor does.”
From what I can see through my living room window, he hasn’t gone back. He closes his blinds every time I get the chance to make eye contact. So, we haven’t exactly been able to forge a deep connection. Anyways, I know that him just knowing I’m watching him makes him feel a little less alone. Respectfully, I think I should wait to go back to work until he does.
6. Become the Office Conspiracy Theorist
Pull whatever conspiracy you like off the internet. Do a deep dive on Reddit. You don’t have to have all the “facts” or even say what the conspiracy is. Just, constantly tell your coworkers to “wake up” and “look around.” And, that they “don’t want to see the truth.” However, in order to pull this one off, you have to be very good at your job. Be annoying enough to get sent home, but not too deep into it to seem certifiably insane.
7. Entrapment
Complain about being single at every opportunity. (Playing Adele songs on repeat from your desk really helps.) Ask your boss if he (or she) is single. It’s an inappropriate question, but not too inappropriate to ask. Get them thinking, “Why is she asking that question?” They’ll be too afraid of a sexual harassment scandal to let you back in the office. Or, they’ll find you an incredible downer.
At your next meeting, drop a pen very slowly. On your way back up, “Oops, dropped it again.” They’ll realize why the meeting could have just been an email (bet you miss Zoom now dontcha?).
To bring it home, complain how you’ll never find love again: “I’m not good enough for anyone!” And, start balling. Make a scene. They’ll want to console you. They can’t.
If all else fails, complain how you’ve been getting drunk every night at bars alone and stroke their arm as you say, “I really wish I had someone to go with.”
Voila, HR sends you home.
If these brilliant suggestions somehow don’t work, forward all complaints to Medium. And, might I suggest this eloquent article on how to hide your porn from HR. (Yes, it’s a real article).