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  • Writer's pictureNoel Leon

Christmas in July

There's enough all consuming chaos in the world right now. So, here's a petition to lighten the global mood, bring a bit of joy to the universal vibe... for a Christmas in July: a “Half-Christmas.” Okay, I know, Christmas in July is already kind of a thing but it hasn’t really caught on yet. During the summer I always feel major melancholy because I’m lacking the kind of enthusiasm that comes from a constant candy-cane high. Or maybe because my birthday is one week before Christmas, releasing all of my serotonin for the year in a two week span. I’d do anything for a peppermint mocha right about now or a hug from a fat stranger with a white beard without it being weird. I’ll sit on anyone’s lap if they’re jolly enough in July. I could just watch a Christmas movie, which raises my spirits like no other genre. (Buddy the Elf is my ideal best friend.) This whole Christmas in July petition is probably an excuse to binge on sugar and eat whatever I want. But is that so wrong?


I have a giddy personality and you’re only allowed to be giddy around Christmas. Try yelling greetings to strangers any other month. When I say “Happy Summer” to people in my Whole Foods parking lot, they’re insulted, like I seem way too chipper — almost sarcastic.

Them: Happy Summer? What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: Nothing. I was just saying have a good Summer.

Them: Uh huh.

Versus:

Me: Merry Christmas

Them: thank you. You too!

See, people are nicer. I’m nicer, or at least I seem nicer. All those songs of “spreading love and good cheer” literally brainwash me into being a better person. Maybe I’m impressionable? Like, in July, there is no Christmas music! So instead I listen to Kanye’s I Am A God album stuck in traffic on the 405 for an hour, I’m ready to “fuck a bitch up,” driving around all hyped up, wearing my ego on my sleeve. I’m just so much more pleasant in December.

I’m tired of being judged for having a Christmas tree all year. Yes, it’s real. Yes, there’s lights. No, I’m not insane. Living by the beach, sometimes I just crave a pine woodsy aesthetic. And, no, I’m not narcissistic for blasting The First Noel. Bitch, I am the first Noel, but I didn’t write the song. I can’t help that I’m named after a national treasure… which is what I tell homeless Venice Beach hippies giving me weird looks on my evening bike rides: “Nooooeeel Noooeeeeeel.”

And, caroling! The only place I can carol in July is a karaoke joint. Even there — where they don’t speak English — you can only sing Christmas songs so many times you before they kick you out. Nine. It’s nine times if anyone’s wondering. It would just be so much easier to make friends with my neighbors if it were culturally acceptable for me to knock on their doors and sing to them. I’m really not great at small talk.

I’m also into Christmas for the compliments… my voice, the sweaters I knit my dog, my crafts… Pancake houses get no love. Trust me. I’ve gotten kicked out of group texting chains — the most annoying form of texting — for sending “inappropriate” food art pics. That’s like getting kicked out of chess club for being too nerdy. I mean, come on. Some dude texts stupid crypto memes on that chain and I’m getting kicked out for making ice cream snowmen?! If that were a gingerbread house this wouldn’t have happened. I’m just sayin.

The Christmas vibe is being cozy with the ones you love while stuffing your faces, which are my two favorite things: laziness and carbohydrates. Yes, I’m using “carbs” as a verb. Because I CAR-BO-HYDRATE. Bagels are in Olympic sport. And being italian, I take pasta very seriously.

Nelson Mandela said “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Well, I’d like to be known for pioneering another month of acceptable overindulge — of peppermint sugar highs and singing to strangers. I mean how perfect would it be: “Noel created Christmas in July.” My name destined me for greatness. This is my cause, my life’s purpose. Who’s with me? Listen, never underestimate the power of holiday cheer. It starts with some “yule tidings” mid-year and then… world peace.

Will I go down in history as the St. Theresa of my time? Yes, probably. There are more important causes like global warming, starving children, etc. But, that just proves my point. Life’s rough so we could use another nonsensical reason to be merry. Do you think the person who created the calendar needed a reason to assign an arbitrary number of days to months… that we now all adhere to? No. He just did it. If adding another holiday feels overindulgent just remove Groundhog Day, which no one actually celebrates. Better yet, let’s make the groundhog the official mascot of Half-Christmas, repurposing him. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to have something finally to do.

If you support Half-Christmas, please donate to my Go Fund Me, protesting noise complaints my un-festive neighbors have made to the Venice Community Board about my singing.

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