Are You An Annoying Texter?

Do you binge on sugar and then let your energy out via a rush of rapid fire texts, egregiously over-using emojis?!!! 😅😫😆👍🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🤪. Texting 20 lines in a row that could’ve easily fit into 3?

Do you over caffeinate and then mass message memes to a million friends who rudely haven’t texted you back since the last ten you sent?

Do you vent to poor unsuspecting friends when you’re stressed out? Not in one concise coherent text, but paragraph streams of consciousness— that have them asking “when will this end?”

Are you positive that you’ve been muted by 85% of the people that you’ve texted, including family? With the remaining 15% only being guys that want to hook up with you?

Has your rapid fire random texting made your friends have to leave an important meeting because their phone started buzzing uncontrollably?

Do you text anyone (literally anyone at all who you know will to reply) when you’re bored…at work, on the toilet, while on the phone with your mom?

Do you call people, procrastinating from doing the one thing you know has to get done? That thing you’ve put off until this exact moment… but instead you must purchase US Open Tickets and message all of your friends to see which ones are fans of tennis—get into debates about tennis—“No, you’re not into tennis? What about basketball ball? Have you ever been court-side to a basketball game?” And, if they don’t answer your call (because it’s 2021 and who randomly calls anymore) you text “sup” and go into everything you would say if they had answered. Really, it’s like you’re having a conversation with yourself.

Do you send paragraphs after paragraph just because you want someone to reject you and completely set the bridge on fire?

Do you send annoying texts because you’ve got too many plans and are secretly hoping the universe makes the decision for you. (“Hey, if I’m too much for them, they can find somebody else.”)

If I’m the only texter this level of annoying, I’ll console myself with something I heard on NPR today: humans only accurately recollect about 80% of their memories. So, see we all have problems. Maybe all my friends will eventually forget those messages I really did or didn’t mean to send… I’m still not sure, it was the caffeine and sugar talking.