An Interview

My publicist asked me to respond to interview questions for a few magazines.

Me: Can I use my own questions?

Her: Umm… sure. I knew exactly which questions I wanted to ask myself: “thirty six questions” the New York Times says will make anyone fall in love with you. So, here they are, asked and answered by yours truly for the most narcissistic of reasons: to fool you into hopeless adoration…not love… I’m already taken by the poor schmuck I first used these questions on. And, I didn’t actually read the article so I’m not sure exactly how this works. But, I’ve picked nine that I think will really bring it home. Picture yourself, the reader, and me, sitting over candlelight, “IRL” (as the kids say). Be grateful that you’re experiencing this from the comfortable distance of the internet. Because, I have this nervous tick where I smile uncontrollably in overly intimate settings, often at the most inappropriate times…That may be why I’m no longer invited to funerals.

You are not allowed to judge this article; because, it’s not really an article, but would make a pretty impressive Hinge profile Q&A.

Question 1: When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I had memorized these questions while rehearsing in the mirror before the first date I had with the man who is now boyfriend. In hindsight, I should have brought flash cards. He must have thought I had some strange form of Tourette’s as I blurted them out — usually off topic, interrupting whatever he was saying. I couldn’t even hear his answer as I prepared for my delivery of the next one.

Back to my question… If this is in reference to my neighbors’ complaint about my shower sonatas, the New York Times must have a very intrusive research team on their readers. Either way, I refuse to further address their complaints. Jealousy can take many forms and hatred is a seductive mistress. At least that’s what I said to my apartment building manager.

Inspired by the living legend who spent his lottery winnings on the release of his shower songs album… (I can picture Costanza eating a pastrami sandwich in the shower while having such a brilliant idea) Perhaps one day I will share my voice… when society is ready 😉… Great artists are often ahead of their time. Not that I’m saying I’m a great artist, but one might draw a comparison.

Question 2. If you were able to live to the age of ninety and retain either the mind or body of a thirty-year old for the last sixty years of your life, which would you want?

After careful peer review, I’ve found men don’t share the visceral repulsion that women have to the implications of this question: of a flawed cultural narrative that men can age gracefully, still retaining a jua de vivre, while women are increasingly scrutinized as we age.

So, my answer is: neither. Fuck what society thinks. I would not like to retain the body of a thirty-year old. And, I would like to have the wild mind of a woman who has spent decades growing and evolving into a vast, intelligent, rich soul.

Or, as Michael Scott wisely said, “You can travel all over the world, see everything, do everything. But what happens if you are immortal and your friends and family are not? You are then destined to watch them age and die.”

Or “that’s what she said.”

Pick whichever of my answers makes you fall more in love with me and let’s move onto the next question…

Question 3: Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

My boyfriend spit out his wine, faking a cough to collect himself when I asked him this on our first date. Maybe it was the way I asked him or my maniacal smile (the nervous tick I mentioned before), but I’m pretty sure he thought I’d poisoned him.

I’ve dueled death a few times. Enough times that there’s actually a full chapter in my book about it… The first is when my gallbladder burst, landing me in the ER for a month in septic shock… and, with my resulting hypochondria, I’ve been to the ER several times since. By now, I expect to leave with a husband. I get more action there than almost anywhere else.

Question 4: Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

Jesus. Is it possible to fall in love with yourself? These questions are getting intimate.

Question 5: For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

Whitney Houston… my dog, Whitney Sophia Houston… but also the singer. My Whitney is Whitney Houston reincarnated. She has a serious puppy chow addiction. The whole reincarnation thing hasn’t been fact checked, but I’m pretty sure. Because, her and I share the Greatest Love of All. And, unlike Bobby Brown or the two shelters she was cast out of… I won’t leave her.

Question 6: If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

In the beginning of most relationships, people put their best foot forward, painting their life stories in a more colorful narrative. So, by asking so many intrusive questions, some element of truth is bound to shine through. Like this question. And, sometimes what’s not said can say more.

Question 7: Take four minutes and tell your whole life story in as much detail as possible.

Notice how I sashayed past that last question?

Before that first date, I didn’t have time to memorize my answers: a colorful life story one might fabricate… And, as with any good lie, the beauty is in the details. So, I printed a pdf and handed it to my date during dessert. Why he asked me on a second date baffles me… or, why we’re still dating for that matter. Because, I’m still waiting for his email… I prefer email over text when it comes to pressing matters. So, here was the email I sent one hour post-first-date:

Heeeey that was fun! Overall, B+! Just checking in… 😉❤️🐙… curious what your four minute life story would be!

Him via text: Where did you get my work email?! You’re a psycho!

My second email, several weeks and dates later:

Heeeey. Remember that whole four minute life story thing? No big thang, but I checked my spam folder and…. nada! Hahahaha email it to me 👿 Just texted you that I sent this email.

I bcc’d my grandma on that last one. She’s a touch Sicilian cannoli, “F.O.B.” Chain smoking and yelling to my grandpa, “Lorenzo, where’s my phone,” are her favorite hobbies. If you ever ask her, “Why are you yelling?” She says, “I’m not yelling that’s just my voice,” even louder. Surely, my boyfriend wouldn’t disappoint an old Sicilian lady, who’s last wish is to see her granddaughter happy.

Question 8: If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Telepathy… of course not to hear what people think of me, pouring validation into a bottomless well of insecurity. Actually, maybe I don’t want to hear people’s thoughts. I need Google Translate just to understand my own.

The internet just said there’s such a thing as “telepathic manipulation,” putting thoughts in other people’s heads. Yes. Yes. Sign me up. I’d manipulate dictators to feed the damn hungry… preferably cannolis. If you or someone you know owns a cannoli company, I’m open to sponsorship! Because, I have so many great ideas! I’ll look into where I can get those telepathic superpowers. But, in the meantime, I can deliver the cannolis myself to third world countries and the photos would be all over TMZ: Instagram Model Feeds Kids Cannolis! I can picture Nona chain smoking, while yelling into the phone: “Did you use manicotti?!” “Yes, Nona, I used the manicotti.” Nona: “Okay, good.”

Question 9: If you could choose anyone in the world as a dinner guest who would it be?

When I first used these questions… I actually forgot to ask this one, and — completely out of context — exclaimed, “I’d rather have Mary Tyler Moore as a dinner guest.” Him: “Uh, who’s that? Okaaay. I can leave.” Me: “No. Never-mind. What were we talking about?”

By now you’re definitely slightly intoxicated, if not drunk in love with me. I think this is what Beyonce sings about. You’re welcome. If not, forward all complaints to the New York Times. And, if you want to use the full thirty six questions with someone else, here’s the link: https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/09/style/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.